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| i like reading my old journal entries and poems. it reminds me of what God's done and how far we've come together. in every relationship i think it's always important to remember the very first things we fell in love with. it's refreshing.
i find myself at an interesting point in my life. i feel very independent, not necessarily in the traditional sense, but just independent from so many things that had been a part of my life for so long. i read some old journal entries - and they feel so different from my life now.
it never ceases to amaze me how paradoxical the world is, how ironic and how contrasting it is. how everything is so dirty and never goes right and things always break, and people always argue, yet it's so beautiful and simple and joyful and there is so much passion and love and conviction. And it's always funny to me how everything is so scientific, even though it seems like nothing ever happens the same way twice - no matter how hard we try to control everything and no matter how sterile we try to make our environment. we can't control life. only God does. and that is indescribable peace and comfort to me.
i can't imagine going through life not really knowing God. How can you sit and think about the state of our lives, this world, humanity and it's history without knowing God and still be sane? how could it make any sense to you? and how could you be content just being pulled along in the currents without knowing what you're doing?
my heart is constantly reaching and grabbing. i could be mis-interpreted as a "moody artist type", but I think that i have no facade or front (or no tact, depending on how you look at it) and i am a woman -therefore whatever emotion i happen to be feeling you see on my face and hear in my voice - i am a horrible liar and a horrible actor - i cannot hide my passions. i don't think of myself as an artist type at all - just a very deeply genuine person. I think about what i believe, and i believe it with all my heart, and i will live life with conviction. when circumstances alarm me in any sense of my beliefs i think about it deeply until i can come to a resolution. and i will try to be polite but i am very bad at it. i (unfortunately) do not mince words.
i fear for my reaching and grabbing heart, i have had to build a lot of fences to keep it safe. i am constantly looking for things to get into, and constantly over-thinking everything because unlike others i do not bounce back from feeling deeply for the wrong things or people.
I pray that God sends more wholesome opportunities. i am easily bored, and prone to wander. lately it seems that the only things available for doing don't weigh in very worthwhile. i find myself not interested in things that seem to be "good" because they also seem boring. when i think about what makes something not boring, it boils down to one thing - relationships.
i am constantly reaching and grabbing for relationships. all kinds - i crave mental and artistic stimulation. i want to be with hilarious people, i want to be with smart people, i want to be with unpredictable people, i want to be with musically gifted people, i want to be with poets, i want to be with photographers, but more than anything - i want to be with genuine people - people who don't hide things, people who don't pretend, people who are what they are - and people who really do care about others more than themselvs. people who live the golden rule. people like that are like sunshine and water to the garden of my soul.
maybe i just have a short attention span and i bore easy.
maybe i'm a dreamer.
maybe i love exciting and new ideas.
maybe i'm an inspiration seeker.
maybe i'm all of those things.
maybe i'm all wrong.
it seems that just when too many bad things have happened, and you begin to be jaded, something you've never seen happens. something you've never experienced happens. some unpredictable anomoly occurs. and it's intriguing.
that's what i love.
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| after touching all of those dancing people. sweaty hands. yuck. i don't think i'm ocd, i just really like the feeling of freshly washed hands :)
i went dancing to try to get my mind in a better place, and to make myself stop whining. a friend told me that it would give me a fresh perspective if i did something else for a couple hours.
i don't know if it worked......
i've been doing a lot of things lately just to get myself to feel. just to break off the shell. i've been hiking, and taking random drives to tops of mountains, and going to the park and swing dancing and it kinda works. i think. it makes me feel for a little while. but i am dying on the inside. i guess i am anyway, it's the best i can figure. something inside of me is dying. and i try to revive it, and it puts up a fight every now and then, but....there's not much i can do. i think i'm bitter about it. i'm not sure. maybe i'm just bitter in general. maybe i'm just pissed because i had a bad day and i can't stop thinking about all the bad things in life.
i don't know, i thought things were getting so much better this weekend. but then today it's like it all went back to the way it was. i can't figure out exaclty what it is either, because there are way too many things that are unsettled right now. i wish i could just put everything in it's place - like when i clean my desk or my room. and then it's all organized and it makes sense. but nothing is organized. and nothing makes sense.
maybe i'll just sleep on it......
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| sometimes i think about this life. the way humanity goes. i think about how difficult everything is. i think about how it always seems that something goes wrong. even on a perfect day - there is an obstacle. there are always problems that need to be solved, or overcome, or avoided, or forgotten. there always seem to be problems that we don't know how to solve, and never really know what to do with them. humanity is difficult. sometimes i think about how beautiful life is. and about all the little sayings you hear all the time, and how they don't really mean a whole lot until you start growing up. sayings that tell you things like nothing good comes easy, or life is beautiful because it is short, or you wouldn't have rainbows without rain, or true love never comes without pain. things people say start to mean something. advice people give you starts being put in perspective. and honestly, above all - verses i've read and heard in the Bible begin to have more weight, more meaning, more...life. sometimes i think about how confusing it is that life is full of hard and dirty and painful and messed up and broken and breaking things, but also full of laughter and joy and love and passion and how nothing makes sense but it all fits together just right and our little sentimental selfs don't really know what we would change. or we can see things in the world and all around us that we know need to be changed but our little insignificant selfs realize that humanity is a pitiful state of an uncontrollable mass of vastly different and unagreeable humans. we appreciate all the different cultures and backgrounds that make different nations beautiful and unique, but we can't understand how these cultures and backgrounds make them totally disagree with everything we've ever known or believed to be true or right. and even if we convince ourselves that we do understand, it still won't change our minds, and we still won't agree.
when i think about all these things my brain flys out in a thousand different directions that i imagine would look like spghetti if they were mapped. everything overlaps and ties in, yet is a completely different train of thought.
when i think about this life, this world, this humanity, this knowledge of everything that anybody has ever learned or discovered and how all the knowledge is out there for any other person to explore. i realize that people can not agree. people want everyone to get along and to agree. we want peace. we want things to work. we want life to be enjoyable. we want to enjoy it with other people who enjoy the same things we do. but we can't. it is absolutely impossible. we can't make it happen. maybe for a brief period of time - like the olympics, but not all the time. and think about all the hard work, and time, and the energy, and obstacles, and disputes, and the blood, sweat, and tears that go into something like the olympics. think about how hard everything was. but the result was so beautiful....and short lived.
people like to accomplish things. people like to overcome, people like to work, people like to do things and see things happen. plant a seed and watch it grow, start a business and suceed. but no one wants it to be so difficult. no one likes to worry, or be anxious, or not know how to pay the bills, or not know if the rain will come to water the crops to provide food. we are so finicky.
so here's another spghetti trail....
here i am in this world of humanity. this dirty, grungy, mess full of idealistic people who can draw pictures, write novels, and create movies with perfect things in them - all the while never actually seeing a perfect thing in their entire lives. crazy, isn't it? somehow, when i think of all these things, it reminds me of these facts that i've always known:
1.there is truth. there are absolute truths. our world is full of absolutes. we like absolutes. we, as humans, like to know where our boundries are, and where we are in relation to them. really. we do. you do too.
2. there are lies. our world is full of lies. the statment "there is no truth" is a lie. the statment "you don't even know how horrible you really are, because you believe the lies you tell yourself" is the truth.
3. God is the father of truth. Satan is the father of lies. There is only One God and Satan lies to every human on the entire planet to get them confused so they will not believe the truth.
4. God is God, and you are not. You think the condition of the world and humanity is so horrible? then fix it. see? you can't. God is fixing it, He just isn't doing it on your time table. What He does is so infintely beautiful and amazing that it is also infinitly painful and hard. You don't understand? Well, I guess that means you're not God, are you?
5. In the end, all will be perfected. Those who believe God's truth will be free to live justly with everything they've ever hoped loved and desired. Those who believe Satan's lies will get everything coming to them - even if they are allowed to roam free on earth and die seemingly unpunished for murders rapes and robberies. This life is not the end of the story.
6. my little speck of existence is puny and infinite all at once. i never need to worry about anything (even though i often do, because i get distracted with satan's lies) and God will keep me. forever. :)
I'm going to put this passage from the Bible in here because it's one of my favorites, and because i think it's really interesting how it states that all of creation "groans as in the pains of childbirth" waiting to be redeemed. everything on this planet is only getting worse. things get broken and worn out - people get broken and worn out. every living thing is waiting to be redeemed. i, as a christian, have this hope. as i sit and think about all the amazing paradigms and perplexities in life and humanity, in the world and in the universe, i have no idea how any person can honestly sit and ponder these things and not have a God to hope in and be sane. probably because they have to believe a few of Satan's lies in order to get through the day. and probably because they have to be distracted by a few of satan's tricks so they don't have time to think about how things don't make sense without having a God and a future to hope in.
how absolutely beautiful and impossible to comprehend is God's plan. I can only admire the simple beauty that i can understand, cling to the hope it offers, and wait patiently for the day I will be free from this broken and worn out existence.
Romans 8
18. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21. that[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. 22. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? 25. But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. 26. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. More Than Conquerors 28. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[j] who[k] have been called according to his purpose. 29. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. 30.And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. 31. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32. He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33. Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36. As it is written:
"For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."[l] 37. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39. neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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| hello 2009. it looks like you and me aren't getting along so well thus far. i brought you in with a sprained knee. it's put a damper on a lot of things that would have otherwise been utterly enjoyed. a random jolt of pain has a way of ruining one's good time. it also looks like you've brought lots of good news for my friends. which has in turn made me feel more lonely. but really, i shouldn't feel bad because my friends are going through something happy. however, not only happy, but life changing, and demanding......i guess that's the part that scares me. it would be safe to say that 2009 is already harder than 2008 was. pretty lame considering that it's only 2 weeks old.....but i see a lot of things coming this year that will segregate me from familiar and comfortable pastimes. i see my random beach trips slowly fading....i feel the road trip opportunities dwindling.....and i'm noticing that while everyone else i know is settling down to start a family, i'm still without. i want to meet new people and experience new things, i want to broaden my horizons. i need to focus on the positive things.
i guess as i start this year, i need to remember that i can trust God. Really, all of this is out of my control anyway. i know that all of my closest friends have less in common with me now than we did two years ago, and that scares me. i'm having a hard time visualizing what my life will be like. it just looks different. and i don't feel comfortable in it. things aren't the same. i need some help for sure. i need some help seeing the full part of the glass. because all i can see is what i've had in the past, and i have no clear sight of any future.
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| the new year. 2009.
so many things i've thought today about the end of 2008 and the start of 09. i couldn't find pen, paper, or time enough to capture them all. now, at 3:30 AM portland time (6:30 AM back home) i'm sitting here with a whirlwind of fragmented thoughts and not enough brain power to capture them all. not only do i want to write about my first snowboarding experience yesterday, but i want to write about conversations i've had with God lately, conversations i've had with other people lately, and conversations i've overheard.
but now i'm forced to boil it all down to one main idea.
trust. a multi-faceted word. i re-learn the meaning of this word very often. i can trust God that He will always carry me through whatever He puts me into. i thought about that a lot today. mostly because i can't see where i am in my life, and i certainly can't see where i'm going. i have my general plans for the future (i mean i have to plan something, right?) but who knows if what i plan is what God's planning. i have such limited sight. i can see fragments of God's work in so many peoples lives, but none of it makes sense. i don't understand anything i'm observing around me, what do i make of it? i watched the Nativity twice this christmas season. and i know it can't be exactly accurate, but it is definately a lot of food for thought. I don't think Mary fully realized exactly what was going to happen to her when the angel said she would bear a son - The Son of God. but she accepted God's will for her, and He was able to use her, limited human being as she was. i take comfort in that. in fact, i can take comfort in the fact that the entire Bible is fullllll of God telling people very limited bits of information and instruction, and them following through, even if they didn't know exactly what they were doing.....or why. i can relate to abraham when he was 100 years old and still had no "son of promise" he knew what God said, and he was trying to do his part. but it just didn't make sense. at least not to him.
so i was going to try to boil it down, but i guess that just ended up being the introduction.....that's what happens when you try to blog at 4 in the morning (and my body is telling me its 7 in the morning...)
so, boiled down for real:
God has never told any human being everything. our little puny minds can't comprehend his infiteness. His plan is so beyond us, we are simply pieces of the mosaic of his glory (to borrow piper's illustration). so. i feel like i'm totally lost and confused in my life. i don't get what God's doing. That's Fine. it's ok. i'm not supposed to feel like i know whats going on. i'm just supposed to trust God, not be God.
I love God with everything i am. i can't imagine this upcoming year without Him in every minute part of my life. i love this. This is who i am - a believer and follower of Christ, and a creation of God, created for His glory.
Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us. Selah.
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